U know what sux about my job as a House Officer? U gotta change 'houses' every 4 months..sigh..a whole new department, new staffs, crappy bosses.. I don't know how I'm gonna cope anymore. Sure, government job is 'secured' in a way but the feeling of not knowing where they gonna ship u off next is killing me!
Its extremely traumatic for me. I cant remember the last time I stayed put in 1 place either. Maybe in Bandung, Indonesia where I've spent 6 yrs of my life there. That was my 'hiding' place, my happy place *smile*. For the last 4 yrs we have moved from PJ (2 houses), Melacca, Negri Sembilan, and now, Batu Caves. It's abit comforting that Im in Batu Caves rite now, cos my cousins are there. I love them and I don't mind to be constantly surrounded by themm...well, not all the time, hehehehe. My mom bought me this house (that's wat she claimed) in Putrajaya & told me that I could stay there 1 day after I finished my studies. She lied. I can't even smell the house, she would tell me to leave. Here's the situation; my family is defined as 3 individuals, with individual incomes & possession that are not to be shared with other members of the family. Yeah, broken but not quite held together..now you know why I'm such a drama..hmmm.
I craved stability. I need to know that when things turned bad, I got a place to run to. A home, where u look around and u see memories, and things that reminded u of the simple things in life when u were young. I dont have any of that, and it bothers me a great deal..and this job is another manifestation of it.
I guessed I'm not that good either in relationship because of what I've experienced growin up. Like, if I'm not sure that I'm ready to give MY HEART AND SOUL to another, why bother? Intimacy is convenient, if that's what I'm seeking for. There is no point getting into a serious relationship when u can't give as much as you wanna get. Ive had my shares of bad episodes. Great men, bad jobs, or bad men, but addictive, hehehe. I've been cheated on, cheated with, all of it. I'm not sure if I'm ready for another. But you know what's great about love? Everytime you fall, and you think u're gonna learn ur lessons, u neva do. You keep going until by the grace of GOd, u'll end up with your soulmate.
I have this neighbour with a stray dog turned pet who is massively infested with lice but I love him to death(hehehehehehe), that will jump up and down whenever he sees me, who would bark like crazy if some unidentified idiot tryin to get to my gate..It got me thinkin; maybe it was a blessing I left veterinary school back then, cos I would have a horrible time goin on with my work. It would be a heartache to see an animal had to be put down for massive internal injuries from a car accident. If it was a human, I would care much less, but I would still do my job. I have less compassion for human cos they are mean creatures!!! Dear God we all are. An animal would not care ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, except to love u, and to give its devotion to u UNCONDITIONALLY. A human is incapable of such.
I think I'm gonna go on doing my work until 1 day, when I decided I have enough. It's a slave job, it's dangerous. Everyday, I put myself at risk and give up time for the people that I care the most in this world..and do I feel contempt & happy? I'm not.
